You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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