I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
