I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
