I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
