I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
