Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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