Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
