she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
