Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
