worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
