Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
