You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
