Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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