First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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