woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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