they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
