even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
