yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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