Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
