Your face is a jimmy john
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you inspire me to be a worse person
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
