70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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