I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We left the knife in your bed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
