I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
