I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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