i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
