Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
