I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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