Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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