I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
