Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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