My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
