I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
