first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
