I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
