I puked a lego.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
