Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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