could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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