I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize