It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
