He asked to "fluff my boner.."
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
