I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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