Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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