i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
