If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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