You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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