My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
