shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
