holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
