Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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