Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
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Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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