Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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