I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
this is an emotional support booty call
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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