My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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