When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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