It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
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When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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