FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
